by Tim Sampson thurs. july 16 There I was. Living my little life. Thinking for no real reason and chuckling about various presidents’ favorite birds: George Washington’s – the American eagle; Thomas Jefferson’s – the peacock; Bill Clinton’s – the swallow. There I was. Living my little life. Chuckling about an article I read recently in The Commercial Appeal, in which the writer advises that, to keep from going crazy when you have a less-than-loving moment with someone you care about, you should keep a pocket-size notebook with you and jot down: 1. A factual description of the encounter; 2. What you thought during the encounter; 3. What you felt; 4. The actions you took; 5. The consequences of those actions. Doing that is supposed to help you feel not so crazy?! Is this person from earth? What part of her brain could possibly generate this kind of crap? Here’s a much easier way to deal with such situations. Just think it to yourself. 1. The factual account is that someone I care about made me listen to a Celine Dion song; 2. What I thought during the encounter was, Why did this person I used to care about until this moment suddenly decide I deserved to be tortured, and why is all the glass in the room not shattering?; 3. What I felt was unbridled hostility, nausea, and an even stronger belief that the world is going to come to an end sooner than we think; 4. The actions I took involved slamming down as many shooters as possible during the song and screaming, “Damn you!” between each one; 5. The consequences of those actions were puking, crying, becoming hoarse, and telling the person he was a barnacle on society’s hull. There. Resolved more quickly, more efficiently, and getting to have a few shooters. Much better, eh? There I was. Living my little life. When it happened. I awoke the other morning, hesitantly looked in the mirror, and much to my surprise, discovered that I had a cut on my cheekbone and a black eye. Knowing that no one would believe the real story – that I hit it on something during one of my sleep-walking adventures – I began thinking of answers when people would inevitably ask how I got the shiner. I could have said it was a lovers’ quarrel, but anyone who knows me knows I haven’t been on a date since I had fly-backs and wore platform shoes. I could have said I got mugged, but anyone who knows me knows that I usually dress not altogether unlike someone who just crawled out of a dumpster. And then it dawned on me. Why, in last week’s column, when I described discovering that I was staying just down the street from Paula Jones’ house in California but never got to see her, I did not lie and say that I did see her, at Target, where she shops, as witnessed by a couple of friends who live out there. I could have said that, yes, I saw her in Target, and waited until she found the pair of culottes she wanted to buy. We grabbed them at the same time, starting a tug-of-war that ended with her nose hitting me in the eye. I could have said that I saw her asking a salesperson the whereabouts of the tube-top department, and when told that Target, or any other store in any civilized country, doesn’t sell tube tops, she hauled off and tried to give the salesperson the ol’ Arkansas redneck punch, but the salesperson ducked and I got hit instead. I could have said that I simply saw her and my eyes popped out of their sockets and had to be surgically put back in place, leaving the swelling and blackness. But alas, I admitted last week to not getting a glimpse of her, so none of these excuses could be considered valid. So I just have a stupid old garden-variety black eye, making the circles under my eyes look a shade darker than usual. What a gyp. So I guess I’ll just live my little life with no great black-eye stories, and get on around to what’s going on around town this week. Tonight, if you haven’t been to Cielo yet, or haven’t been in a while, you can wine and dine in the fabulous ambience while Commercial Appeal reporter Michael Donahue plays piano on the mezzanine. Or if you want the best martini in town, you could go to Side Street Grill, and hear Steve Reid play on the newly expanded patio. Or you could go down to the Horseshoe Casino for a concert by Chicago. Or you could go to The Loony Bin for a show by HBO Def Comedy Jam favorite, Lester Bibbs, appearing with Daran Howard. Or you could go see the Orpheum Summer Movie Series feature, Deliverance, and see Ned Beatty bend over and squeal like a pig. Or you could go to one of the biggest parties of the year, the “Don’t Lose the Blues” Blues Foundation fund-raiser at the Hard Rock, which includes drinks, dinner, an auction, live music, and celebrity waiters and bartenders. fri. july 17 Art opening at the Sidewalk University International Booksellers for an exhibit by Frank D. Robinson. Movie: The Philadelphia Story at The Orpheum. Music: Seven Mary Three at the New Daisy; Electric Light Orchestra at Sam’s Town; the Radiators at B.B. King’s; R.L. Burnside at Proud Larry’s down in Oxford. sat. july 18 Good-cause benefits: Blues on the Bluff, a WEVL fund-raiser on the grounds of the National Ornamental Metal Museum with live music by the Last Chance Jug Band and Blind Mississippi Morris. Pets-N-Plates at Memphis College of Art, a benefit for MCA and the Animal Protection Association, featuring a sale of animal-themed pottery, along with food, drinks, dog info, and live entertainment. A Summer Place Black-Tie Garden Party at The Peabody, a fund-raiser gala for the American Cancer Society, with cocktails, hors d’oeuvres, and live music by the Lettermen. Music: the Riverbluff Clan at Young Avenue Deli. sun. july 19 Good-cause benefit: The Orpheum Art & Antique Auction fund-raiser for The Orpheum with wine, hors d’oeuvres, cash bar, and auction of fabulous stuff. Music: Independents Day Festival at the New Daisy with live music by U.S. Bombs, Hi-Fi & the Roadburners, One Hit Wonder, and Fury 66. Cajun Music Fest at The Dixon Gallery and Gardens. Girls Against Boys at Barristers, with Stanford Prison Experiment and Buffalo Daughter. Bars: Go to Old Zinnie’s and throw all your money at Casey; she promised to give me half if I mentioned it. mon. july 20 Instant Karma at the Map Room. tues. july 21 Opening night of Cats at The Orpheum. wed. july 22 8th Annual Beale Street Blues Society Talent Competition and Jam at Black Diamond on Beale. And that’s that. As always, do whatever floats your boat. I certainly don’t care what you do, because I don’t even know you, and unless you get an outdoor sign company to put a giant billboard advertising the movie Armageddon right in front of Bellevue Baptist Church, then I’m sure I don’t ever want to meet you. Besides, it’s time for me to blow this maggot ranch and come up with more stories about my black eye. Hey, maybe I did sleep-walk in California last weekend and ran into Paula at Target, nearly bumped into her, and said, “Excuse me, but I don’t think they allow pets in here.”